Talk Thirty to Me Episode Forty One: Dissecting Relationships at Thirty
Join Turg and Randy Z as they get down to business talking about the perceptions that surround love and relationships, ideas featured in the Netflix Original Series Master of None – Season Two Episode Seven– Door #3 and…
Have you ever thought you have been in love with someone for the wrong reasons?
Wasting no time, Turg fires this question over to Randy, challenging him to recall all of his past relationships and reflect on if he has falsely fallen in love. Randy quickly answers. While he has always found the time to reflect on his past relationships, he knows there were some issues, but never love for the wrong reasons. He brings up something the guys have touched on before – finding someone that challenges you to be the best you. Randy mentions how he’s never been in a relationship where he’s felt the need to be his best self. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes relationships are formed around lifestyle choices and convenience rather than growth and mature love.
Are you willing to work for your love at thirty?
We don’t have to be the exact same to be traveling in the same direction in life. Randy sees a relationship as an investment in the other person. In referencing an article the guys have spoken about previously – Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) written by Bryan Reeves – Randy thinks following this mentality yields the best results. Why does coming to this realization often take too long? Are your thirties the right time to have these kinds of experiences? Turg thinks that you need the proper amount of experience – in your thirties – in order to know what a successful relationship can look like. It doesn’t have to be relationship experience, just experience to know how to maintain a social partnership. Unless you find someone who is willing to watch you grow your love and experience, there is little room for error.
Being fearful of settling in a relationship is a real problem for our Millennial generation
When we don’t know anything other than what we have, how do we know we have the best? Turg uses examples from this episode to relate to something that plagues the Millennial culture. Randy can level with this experience because it’s hard for him to know when not to and when to settle in a relationship. How do you know you’re content with what you have? Turg draws a link between marriage and settling. Marriage is essentially settling for someone in your life that you know you want to always be there for you; you know you’ve found the right person. Maybe you think you know.
Randy thinks they’re not the same, arguing that it’s a bit of a difference – or a moment – when you contemplate marriage that ends up resulting in separation rather than a union. For Turg, it was very well thought out and the decision was made in confidence. If any decision is made with this much risk involved, these decisions need to be measured carefully. Convenience should not play into the decision just for the sake of comfort and familiarity.
Try to accept your partner for who they are, not what they can be
Randy maintains the mentality that in a relationship, you need to accept your partner for who they really are. Looking at their potential only leads to eventual disappointment and that’s how relationships end. While Turg thinks this has some validity, he feels that it’s not the correct approach. In order to grow and build on your relationship, Turg feels both participants must demonstrate the potential for grow and change. He also notes, it’s not easy to challenge your partner to do this. Some people might take it as a negative, so it’s important to keep it positive. Randy fires back with the equation:
EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION
The equation referenced ties in to an article written by Derek Harvey titled The Silent Killer of Relationships and Randy argues it challenges us to live in the moment rather than to take what we expect and project it onto our relationship. Turg thinks that if it gets to the point where frustration enters into the fray, you’ve gone too far; done something wrong to hurt the other person along the way. Humans are very capable of change, it’s the willingness that varies. If there is no confidence or support, what gives the other person in a relationship the motivation to trust they can take the next step and succeed?
What if your partner changes apart from you, rather than changes to grow closer to you?
Randy thinks this is inevitable – there is always going to be someone or something out there that appears better than what it really is. It’s up to you to decide what to make of it. It’s up to you to decide how to navigate that situation. Going back to settling, this is one of the major themes that scare people from getting serious about relationships. Turg says you must ask yourself ‘Is my relationship strong enough to survive this eventuality?’ Turg thinks all relationships are destined to fail, but we can always do something to prevent it and preserve their integrity before it’s too late.
Is your relationship strong enough? Does early relationship intimacy harm the future of relationship growth? Temptation, do we give in or let go? We want to know. Connect with us and share your thoughts! One more episode left! Come on, we’re almost there folks.
Intro Music & Outro Music:
Saturday Jam by Clifton “Notes” Ellens, Captain Noah, and Jonathan “Sankeyz” Sanchez
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